


Never Be The Same

by towardstheair



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-10
Updated: 2011-01-10
Packaged: 2017-10-14 15:36:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/150808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/towardstheair/pseuds/towardstheair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The competition is over, the final curtain drawn. It's time to say goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Be The Same

Things certainly hadn't gone how Kris had expected them to. The fact that he was stood here at the end of a long journey, one he never expected to take this far, is still a mystery to him. Weeks after weeks he watched friends say goodbye, he watched as each one left with a broken dream and his still remained safely intact. He could never quite get over the unfairness of it all. What made him so special? Why did he deserve it more than someone else?

 

The thing that surprised him most of all were the friendships he found in the most expected people, the determination and belief they gave him. Even as their dreams crumbled around them, even as they were told they were leaving they still managed to reach out a hand and hold on tightly, reminding him that he deserved this.

 

Of course there was the constant, unwavering support of one person. Someone who if anyone had told him would turn out to be closer to him than possibly anyone else he knew, he would have laughed. Adam Lambert with his strong, staggering confidence who seemed like a force to be reckoned with was not someone Kris ever imagined being even brave enough to speak to.

 

But fate seemed to have a different plan, and it threw them together with little choice on either side. But what Kris found in Adam was so much more than what everyone else got to see. He was a lucky one of a few small group of people who got to see this Adam. Someone who loved life and his family and friends, someone who was caring and would go out of his way to make sure everyone else was comfortable and happy before even thinking about himself. Kris only wished he could have half as much of the strength and kindness Adam had.

 

It seemed strange now to look back at moments that seemed like so long ago. An entire year of his life flown by in an instant, being pulled along by what felt like a never ending whirl wind. What scared him most of all was the fact that the only time he felt settled and back down to earth were the quiet moments when it was just him and Adam, alone in their room watching films and talking about anything and everything.

 

It wasn't shocking that it grew to more, perhaps it should have been. Kris tried to think of a moment when it all changed, a moment that he could go back to and mark as the defining moment when their friendship shifted to so much more. But he can't find it and right now he wishes he could, because he is faced with an empty void as he imagines not seeing Adam everyday. He wants to take it all back now, because maybe, just maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

 

He can hear a thousand promises he made, he can hear Adam's voice saying the same words back to him, and they feel empty and hollow because they both should have know better. They shouldn't have been so foolish to believe that this could be anything more than what they had in the here and now. Kris wants it to be more, he wants to stay locked in this moment. He wants to ignore the packed bags by the door and the continuous ringing of his phone urging him to hurry up.

 

He can't even bring himself to think of happy memories, of him and Adam curled around each other, bare skin meeting and connecting, sparks of electricity shooting through him with each touch from Adam, whispered words in his ear, hot breathe on his neck. It's all too much. He needs to find the strength from somewhere inside and he has no idea where to get it from, because in those moments of weakness he would turn to Adam, it has been all he has known for the past few months and how can he go to him with this? How can he ask Adam for the strength to help him walk away?

Of course he didn't need to ask, he already knew Adam was in the room even before he felt strong hands moving under his arms to snake around his waist. He leaned back instinctively, closing his eyes and desperately hoping that the world would stop right here.

 

He could feel Adam's breathe on his neck, his fingers moving gently on the fabric of his t-shirt and Kris knew this wouldn't help at all. This would only make everything harder, but he took it anyway and he let himself get lost in feeling of Adam so close to him. It didn't need to be the end, this wasn't goodbye he was going to see Adam again and maybe it would still be the same. He opened his eyes quickly almost as if waking from a nightmare and shifted his body around in Adam's arms.

 

Looking into Adam's eyes was almost like looking into a blinding light, he felt dazed and unable to speak and there was so much to say, so much he wanted to explain before they left their safety net. But all he could feel was Adam's hands on his back, pushing their bodies closer and Kris didn't fight it. He rested his head into Adam's chest like so many times before.

 

“It's going to be okay you know.”

 

Adam's voice was a whisper in the room but Kris felt like Adam was screaming them to him from miles away. Because how could everything be okay? How could Kris explain that he felt like nothing was going to be okay?

 

“Kris.” Adam was moving away and Kris held on tighter, he refused to let that be it. But Adam was stronger than he was and he felt hands pushing him away just enough so their eyes could meet. “Don't think that this is goodbye. I... there's tour and probably a thousand things after that where you'll be stuck with me.”

 

He wanted to say that it wouldn't be the same, that he was never going to be the same. But he knew that Adam already felt it. He could see that Adam already understood and right now he wished Adam was the kind of person to get angry and scream and tell him that he hated him. Because Kris really did blame himself for this whole thing. He could have stopped it, he should have. Despite Adam's confident bravado, Kris could see he was hurting now, fighting back tears just the same as Kris was.

 

Adam was right, there was tour and whatever else had already been planned. But what was there for _them?_ Would they ever get a moment like this alone to just be Kris and Adam without anything else mattering? How was he supposed to face everyone like nothing had happened? Like his whole life and beliefs hadn't been pulled out from under him and now he was wanting and needing nothing more than to stay here with Adam.

 

It should have been a relief, a happy reunion of family and relaxing time after such a roller-coaster ride. It should have meant everything. But it all felt empty and bitter-sweet and completely unbearable.

 

Adam's hands were searching Kris' face now and he felt like laughing because it would be two weeks and they would be together again, looks across a room, across a stage, across a bus so why did it feel like everything was going to change? Even within such a short space of time, a fear crippled him.

 

“It's just a few weeks Allen.” Adam face changed into a small smile, but still a stinging pain hid behind his eyes. He wanted Adam to just break at least once to just show that this hurt him as much as it was hurting Kris. Kris' expression must have said it all because Adam's expression changed again, a face full of regret.

 

“I wouldn't change anything you know that don't you? I know you think that everything is going to change and I don't know Kris, I honestly don't know if it will. But... and... I'm not good at this okay? I don't do _this_ well...” Adam was gesturing between the two of them, his face confused and struggling and for a brief moment Kris forgot the pain and enjoyed Adam struggling to form a sentence. “I know you have some things you have to go do now. I've never asked you and I've never pushed you for this to be more than... but I want you to know if you think that maybe... that maybe I could be something you want in your life... permanently, well I'd be okay with that and I'd wait. I _will_ wait.”

 

Kris listened to each word, the words that he wished he could have said himself. He wanted to be brave enough now to tell Adam that he didn't need to wait that he was ready now, that the two of them could just leave and screw everyone and everything. But Kris knew himself and he knew Adam, and Adam would always make him do the right thing, if his conscience didn't kick in first.

 

The noise from his cell phone resounded through the room again and it seemed to pull their bodies apart with each chime and it should have been hard to watch Adam walk away, but instead he felt a glimmer of hope from somewhere inside himself. Something that Adam had given him was that strength guided you through, that somehow in that strength you can be braver than you ever thought you could be.

 

He may not have been those things yet, his strength may have been failing him now and his bravery to admit what he really wanted might not have been found, but he knew that someday he would because even though he was frightened now faced with a future full of uncertainties, what scared him more than that was a future without Adam by his side.


End file.
